Cool Accents?

17th Nov 2009 – Cool Accents?

I have been both dreading and looking forward today. I have been counting down the days to when I was likely to start getting bills and invoices in from the utility companies. Paying for stuff is slightly different here. They don’t have direct debit as such but rather a thing called autopay where they can automatically take money from your account. I think it more like a standing order kind of deal rather than a direct debit setup.

I got my first invoice from the cable company yesterday and they have overcharged me by about $60 and the electricity company has submitted their invoice that has an extra $125. It says that this is a deposit. In the fine print, if you really look for it says that "Your deposit will be credited back to your account after you have paid your utility bill promptly each month for the required period, or at the time your service is terminated”. Sound to me like the "you have no credit, we don’t trust you, so let’s charge you so more cash!” Great!

I thought I’d better ring the cable company to see if I could have the bill altered. 1800-comcast is the number I have to ring on the phone.

"This is Shaquille O'Neal and welcome to Comcast” says the first voice. "Welcome to Comcast for sales press 1, for support press 2 and 3 for billing”

"er 3"


"please enter your phone number”

"er ok, let me just that… done!"


"that phone number is not recognized as a Comcast number… please try again including you area code."

"let me see here… ok done"


"that phone number is not recognized as a Comcast number… please try again including you area code."

"I’ve just it, twice I can see it on the display I have entered as written in the bill"


"that phone number is not recognized as a Comcast number… please try again including you area code or press 5 to enter your 20 digit account number

"must be worth a try"


"we are just conneting you"

"thank goodness for that"


"for phone press 1, for tv press 2, for internet press 3"

"I have the bundle… do I press all three at once?, ah bollucks let go for 2"


"thank you, transferring you now... please enter your phone number"

"oh god, not again"


"that phone number is not recognized as a Comcast number… please try again including you area code."

"I just want to pay my bill!"


"that phone number is not recognized as a Comcast number… please try again including you area code or press 0 to speak to one of operators"

"0 it is…"


"thank you for calling Comcast how may I help you today?"

"Hi, I have a bill that is the wrong amount that I want to pay it please"


"OK, let me take some details… what is you name?"

"Ben German"


"and you street"

"it is cool creek boulevard"


"coal crook boulevard?"

"no cool creek, like opposite to hot"


"cold creek boulevard"

"no cool creek.. you know like, hey that’s cool dude"


"oh cool creek"

"yes"


"ah I see you have no phone number in your account, you know if I take that from you now you will be able to fast track through our system"

"that would explain my earlier problem. So yeah I have been overcharged I think"

"ah yes sir, it looks like you were put on the wrong package. In order to down grade you need to ring this number and go for option 4."

"fine"

"1800- Comcast"

"I already rang that to get here"

"yes but you must press option 4"

"fine"

I dial the number

"This is Shaquille O'Neal and welcome to Comcast” says the first voice. "Welcome to Comcast for sales press 1, for support press 2 and 3 for billing”

"and the fourth option?... nothing, bollocks I’ll press 4 anyway"

" please enter your phone number”

"here we go again"

"that phone number is not recognized as a Comcast number… please try again including you area code."

"oh for god sake"

"that phone number is not recognized as a Comcast number… please try again including you area code."

"I just want to pay this sodding bill"


"we are just conneting you… Hi this is Amy, how can I help"

"been over charged but want to pay the remainder of the bill"


"sure! You name please sir"

"Ben German"


"and your street"

"it’s cool creek boulevard"


"cruel crook boulevard?"

"no COOL CREEK, like brrr its chilly"


"cold creek boulevard"

"NO COOL CREEK.. you know like, as in cool surfs up dude."


"oh cool creek – you have a wonderful accent."

"yeah its great … please can I pay my bill I have like 3 minutes left of my lunch hour."


"certainly, please just go online to www. Blah blah blah and enter you user name and password"

"let me do this while you are on the phone. So I know I am doing it right… tap tap tap, I has just come up saying username not recognized"


"oh, if that happens you need to speak to the technical dept in broadband.. I’m in Phone. Simply redial 1800-comacst and hit 5"

"Argh!"


Before I ring, I shout over to Dan who is in the desk next to mine, "How do you say cool creek boulevard?” – "Coo-wel creik bowlivard” he says (please forgive the phonetics here). I’m saying repeating this over in my head ready for the questions. Coo-wel creik bowlivard, Coo-wel creik bowlivard… It kind of sounds across between shaggy from Scooby doo and the goodfellas.

"1800-comcast"


"This is Shaquille O'Neal and welcome to Comcast” says the first voice. "Welcome to Comcast for sales press 1, for sup…"

"5! I want 5, I don’t want to hear another word just option 5"


"please enter your phone number"

"no probs, I know this with my eyes closed now"


"we are just conneting you"

"hi you are through to Jed, how may I help you to day?"

"hey jed, ha yaw doin? Yo I got da bill hit my mat and I’m like bummed dat yo chargin me dis, dude! I been towkin to brandy in da fown dept, been spekin to amy in da billin and they jowst cay-ant hey-alp me get own to da day-am website."


"certainly sir let me take some information…what is your address?"

"Coo-wel creik bowlivard"


"Lovely, I have your details on screen let me just give you your password…"

He understood me first time! That was amazing!

"Your password is tunebass"

"toonbass?"


"tunebass!"

"townbass?"


"tune – as in music and bass – as in bass and treble"

"ah tunebass – yep that logged me in, thanks jed"


"have a great day!"

"forget abaad et!"


Bill Paid! Lunchtime Over! – I Bloody Hate Tuedays! (toosdays)